After the last relationship ended I stayed like that Not opening myself up to anyone.. Like I was living in protective mode and I planned to stay like that and not to open myself up to a chance to be hurt again. Daniel, Well I did not want to dwell on that since she already told me not to worry about him. I have been married for 12 years next week. Im sorry to keep having to say that on this thread, but that is the way I feel. Needless to say we dont get along, but my fianc say has now brought up the issue that I dont show him enough affection so he drinks and takes off. Nothing! People usually can get their feelings out more when writing them down then talking on the phone. I am sure this man has good qualities. The key is to not work with a psychodynamic therapist which will take 30 years. What do I do? i have a situation i am not sure how to handle it its been about a week an a half so far my husband sit me down and told me the situation, he said i am not gonna leave at this point he said ill give you one more chance but if this situation happens again i am done, now neither one of us has ever cheated on the other and thats not what happen i said some things he didnt like about but he did find out that most of what he was told wasnt true, but heres the reason for this post he told me he would give me one more chance to change and he hasnt told me he doesnt love me anymore hes hasnt said anything like that to my face, a few days after we sat down and talked about our marriage crumpling down i seen a message he sent to a friend of ours and he told her he felt our marriage was like the titanic and then a few posts later or it might of been a few days after i didnt really look at the time and dates he messaged her telling her he is only staying with me cause of our sons sake, heres my problem why wont he just tell me the truth instead of lieing to me, i dont want to keep this going if he clearly isnt happy nor in love with me anymore, thats how i took it he told me one thing and told someone else something different, he doesnt talk ugly to me hes nice to me even when our son isnt around he does spend time with me, i understand hes hurt and upset with me and he has every right to be but i dont know if i should try and save my marriage if i am the only one that wants to save it, am i reading this the wrong way or am i reading it the right way and he doesnt want to be married to me anymore hes only doing it because of our 4 year old its not fair to him nor to our son if he clearly wants out, i dont know if he said it cause hes angry and hurt right now or if he really means what he said i am so confused on this matter i dont know what to say, like i said he hasnt told me hes not in love with me anymore i am really confused on which way he wants to go with me, i had a horrible childhood , never knew my parents, and i grew up without the knowledge of who they were and were they are and what happened to them, so it was not easy. Hello, When you love someone with your entire being, it will hurt to the point of no return when you lose them. The one person with whom it works proves to you, in the course of being together, that he or she really gets who you are. She knows and apologized a week later in May. Something in your past? Hi Thomas, I was adopted by a childless couple when i was 7 years old. I feel a lot of my bad habits of being stubborn or misunderstanding have gone and I have beem rewarded with my efforts through this tough time by a husband who tells me I look prettier every passing day. I would give anything to go back to earlier this year and try again with his honesty. But a few weeks prior to him first kissing me, I tried to kiss him when he hugged me and he pulled away, saying be happy with what just happenedmeaning a hug and an I love you. We are in relationship for 4 years. What would a new date or a new wife do who feels a bit shy w a new partner? shes a beautiful person inside and out and I love her so much. Hi Mike, Dr Deb I feel like running away. I realize I have questioned everything he does and turned around everything he said. Since then we gave gone strength to strength, our love life is better than it ever was and we barely argue at all. He told me there was no chance with me and even said he never loved and cared. I said so you guys planned this?. And he has been doing this for years. That pain started with their childhoods. Well after our split I took it very hard and did soul searching and trying to figure out why I couldnt get rid of the anger and what felt like a demon that lived in my head even though I had told her several times I would change and I honestly wanted to,but couldnt. He seems to become more distant and cold every time he sees me sad and anxious. His response to my asking why he couldnt make one of those phone calls in front of me is that He didnt have the courage to talk to her in my presence. I know its as much time as he needs but I wish that I could have some idea of what that is, what is typical. but I want to live with him again. I resent him to the point where Im losing the love I have for him and I cant help it. How much of this is his depression talking? Dr. Deb be honest please if they got together in June is it true and possible that like my husband said he is in love with the other women. We had an argument and I said it was over, I was going. Im not sure how to feel about that, she was already dealing with her own emotional conflicts and seeing a therapist (though she is currently away for the summer) before we got together. I feel like im missing out on my 20s, and the thought of spending my life with him terrifies me as much as the thought of him leaving. He has gone back and forth so many times. He was stunned, so was I honestly. We were together for 17 yrs And while it was not all bad there were period of toxic behavior and unhealthy habits that negative impacted our children. Its something rich and mature that you cant feel the first time around: Its a rock-solid knowledge of who this other person really is, leading to a much deeper bond, greater respect, and stronger trust than you could ever have with a new person. He fell for me and i think i have feelings for him too. I wish he had the ability in him to see that the girl that he says is his best friend is actually not who she appears to be. She accepted it at first but later would take advantage of it. However, whenever we had these discussions, she always mentioned how she had the same plans with her ex and how things turned out. Man. I wish he had been honest, fought for me. In that moment without realizing it I hurt my husband in a way it dont know if I can ever repair. She also said that she has been feeling like this for a while but like I describe above showed no signs (that I picked up on). Work on yourself in that way. reached a point that was the last straw and he was done. I need advice :( , please help me. He has walked away from all of them. He has cheated on me each year weve been together and then some. I owe him that much, I owe him happiness..even if it isnt with me. Hi, my fiance and I were together for 8 years. I should add that, if he was horny he could have called me instead. Good luck. In discussions it tends to turn into me talking about all of my issues and how bad a person I am, which doesnt help. I texted D & asked her to return our vehicle immediately. Finally, I realized that it wasnt the fact that I was a mean drunk, it was the fact that we had no time apart, that i was selfish when it came to him going out with his friends, that i was suffocating him, and he didnt realize it until i said itthat he wanted some alone time and that was the real reason we broke up. You need to let the other person see, and hear about, your weaknesses. The love trumps the hate. She lives next door with a guy and told my BF that we should switch partners. we have been broken up over a month now. I am skeptical of this NC sometimes. He watches porn all the time and masterbates up to 6 times a day. My wife has just started an executive MBA which involves travel and I am 100% behind her in making sure she is successful. It was difficult at the time but we decided to stay together and try everything we could to fix our relationship. You did the right thing to go to a professional. I honestly believe him (maybe Im a chump). Its urgent. He lost all contact with his ex fiance. Am I wrong to be upset about this? Shehas permanent hearing loss, so this I He is very clear that he cannot be with me anymore, he cant find his feelings towards me ( however, when asked if there was a way to find them would he want to find them he said he would but he did not believe it was possible anymore). The first argument since March and its over. My husband said he loves me and cares about me but he just does not like me at all. Hi. Having to take that risk and live with that risk can be overwhelming to the point that our love becomes mixed with the occasional bout of hate. Therapy helps and , as I said earlier, I recommend it. I am very confused on how we got off track and all the way to this.. Like I stated before we been together for over 5 years almost a 2 year old son and now she tells me that she has not loved me before our child was born and I dont understand how we made it this far. Then one day I found that he communicates with his ex still. It isnt that your wife didnt care. I just cant believe he is able to just get o we me this quick. You dont really love him; you feel needy. i go and visit him in his country when i can to try to heal and build the relationship. Were 3 weeks now into our break but she has contacted me just to talk about finances, I could hear the frustration and anger. I hold so much anger for him. Meeting my husband had set me in motion into becoming a independent, healthy individual after 10 years of neglecting myself. instead of getting angry. Now, just suppose the two of you want to maintain the marriage. This is human nature though - we tend to value things once we REALLY realize that they can be taken away or gone at any time. But I do not want him to touch me period. I told him that Im not asking for him to forgive me but to think about the good qualities I have and put a little hope in that part of me. His birth father was never in the picture due to his instability and choice of partying and drugs over being a father. The other night was the last straw. Hi, my girlfriend and i were together for about 5 years, we met in high school and became very close very quickly. We are in a long-distance relationship, but we were a very happy couple. I should start off by saying that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and when I am not healthy, I can have great difficulties in having healthy intimate interpersonal relationships. We love each other very much but he says he doesnt know if he wants to be with me because when Im upset I threaten to leave and it hurts him for me to use that against him. Good therapy does not have to last years and decades. or i just thought so. My h has actually done a couple sweet things but I do not trust. I understood that she needed time to heal and relax so I didnt bother much. I dont know if it was planned or not, doesnt matter. There are a couple of things in your letter that deserve a closer look. Hes had a hard life growing up.he has gone through emotional physical and sexual abuse since hes very young. But now he claims he forgives me and wants to work this out, but lately idk Ive just been feeling like he doesnt love me or really forgive me. so for her to say a matter of hours later its over came completely out of the blue! Hi Tyler 15 First Date Ideas I feel very confused. He eventually left me because I didnt move in I felt so guilty like everything was my fault. But he has to give up his thoughts about this other person. I was once an avid reader & someone who found such peace in hand knitting or in the simple gift of watering our garden & knowing the relief it brought to our plants. This past week she saw that I was very unhappy and that it was causing a lot of problems to our relationship so she decided to close the open relationship, now idk what to think. Mom and son- value other things over you during your relationship. If youre unable to locate someone near you, you could also try aamft.org. Namely the way he makes me feel; past abuse, disappointments and dishonesty. he wants this relationship and wish i would stop cussing he said for everything. I want his trust back as well n his love as well . I never stressed on sex with her at all. I knew that I loved my wife. But then sex is ALSO, at the same time as fun, its a very personal, intimate thing. he is 24 and i am 32, he know about it but i cant help but feel that the age gap is too big. They love and hate themand that's normal. We talk about getting married in the future and we both know that we want to be long time life partners. You need to understand your feelings so that you can both honor them (ie, not sweep them under the rug) and deal with them in a healthy way. I cut him down. Dear Dr. Deb, If your therapist is not able to move from couples therapy to individual with you to help you with how you have cut off your feelings, that is a problem. We are incompatible on many levels. Hes just so amazing his name is Brad hes so handsome and loving, funny, sweet but very ignorant he thinks people are out to get him. And that draws you together. He was sexted other woman for 7 to 9 months. You know, since time in eternity, multiple partners have not worked because it arouses jealousy. Once he calmed down I was finally able to tell him why I sent that text. Im hoping that sometime in the future he is able to forgive me and give me another chance. I took the opportunity to tell her I did lie about that. I had an ectopic pregnancy & I got caught up with the person I was involved with after that just because it was a refreshing experience for me. Any advice you could give me would be great. Our was not only child but freezing cold weather on Wednesday morning. 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